Jesus wants you to do drugs and wear peoples skin while listening to Slayer.

"Jesus freaks didn't know Lemmy was Jesus. Too bad".

As a metalhead, there are many things you can do to piss off religious folk. You can blow your brains out to Judas Priest, play in a black metal band and blow your brains out and then have your buddy take a picture and use it as an album cover, start a cult, join a cult, join the Satanic church, suck a dick, listen to Deicide, suck Glen Bentons dick, dig up Dio's grave, brutally murder hipsters and wear their skin for a week.... the list goes on.

"But they're not christian rock!"

Of course I'm not encouraging any of this behavior, I'm just trying to be morbidly funny. But you get the point.

But what gives? Why don't you see Christians killing themselves to christian rock? You seriously can't listen to Flyleaf for more then 5 seconds without wanting to mainline draino through the vein under your penis.

We can take a turn to bands like Creed, who is the "kind of Christian kind of not" band that finds themselves in the hearts thousands of devoted Bible nerds and heavy-chested females alike. And for some reason, that is the weirdest, most fucked up fan combination I've heard of. Can Jesus lovers have big tits? Mary Magdalene sure did, but she and Jesus sure as shit wouldn't listen to Creed.


"But Matt they're not Christian!" Um, ever seen the 'Higher' video? Scott Stapp gets raised up like Jesus ascending to the heavens, while everyone is rocking out to some radio-friendly Post-grunge ear rape. Seriously, the spiritual overtones scream louder than King Diamond getting pinched n the balls. (Was the 'Human Clay' album title not obvious enough as a Biblical reference?).

To be honest, I think we have to deal with worse nowadays considering the "christian rock/metal" genre. Hey, Stryper was bad. But Norma Jean? August Burns Red? As I Lay Dying? Devil Wears Prada? Give me a fucking break. Talk about kids who didn't smoke enough pot or didn't listen to Hell Awaits enough times. You have to be the lowest of suburban fuckheads to start a christian metal band. These are the people who should have blown their brains out to Stryper records instead of Judas Priest. So the rest of us could be spared of these musical atrocities.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHPY-Bvq83w

The link above is a ministry-made documentary outlining how Heavy Metal is corrupting the youth of today. Not like religion already does that. But okay, I'm always down for some good entertainment. Better than lurking around pornhub for hours looking for something good right?

I just love how the idiot in the beginning is standing in front of glass portraits of Jesus and Mary while he is talking about how Heavy Metal is part of KGB communist propaganda in order to demoralize and cause rebellion. Love how they Blame Ozzy for everything too, even though the dude hasn't even been able to make a pancake since 1985.

Goddammit I love America.

Maybe we should take a look at Bill Hicks take on this whole "Devil in music" thing:


"They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure... At least he fuckin' jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fuckin' Block...I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out". - Bill Hicks

Guess I'm gonna be going to hell, good thing Satan listens to all the good shit.