Since I've been listening to metal since for a little more than 13 years, I think I have pretty good idea about what its about; granted that I sometimes get irritated at the genre and its fans. Metal usually finds its way to that warm spot underneath my testicles, and when I hear riffs that are just oh-so-fucking good; my penis starts to tingle a little bit. Can you get the feeling when listening to Celine Dion? I don't think so, unless Seal is the one fondling your balls while you're listening to the Titanic soundtrack.
The Heavy Metal genre is fairly expansive to say the least. With many sub-genres and bands stretching as far back as 1969; there is much to listen to if you are just starting to ditch your Linkin Park and Flyleaf records to find something much more satisfying. And that's why I'm here to help.
Let's start off with the basics first. Ready? Good. Because this shit is going to grab you the balls and won't let go.
Black Sabbath - Paranoid.
Well known? Yeah. Bad ass? Oh fuck yeah. If you don't know of Sabbath I would recommend sticking your hand in a garbage disposal. To beginners, this album has potential to be listened to upwards of a 100 times a day. Tony Iommi's riffs are godly, Geezer and Bill Ward have the heaviest jazz rhythm style in the galaxy, and Ozzy? Well you get Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness pre-reality TV show Dad. Highlights? Try blasting War Pigs. Your neighbors will love it.
Metallica - Ride The Lightening.
Straight up 1980's thrash right here, with no bullshit, no scarves, country songs or Bob Rock. Just Metallica the way they should be. Try jacking off and listening to 'Creeping Death' at the same time, you won't be able to thank me enough.
Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power.
Listening to this album is better than fisting. In fact, if you've done it, it's much like fisting at 1000 mph.
Slayer - Reign In Blood.
The only Slayer album that gets talked about on Vh1 Classic. I know, I know.... but, it's a fantastic album. Especially if you want to get into the really fast, heavy and evil stuff. Thrash at its finest.
So I think I've shown the best basics. The good shit anyways.
But from time to time I do get questions about metal. Which can be pretty entertaining. Because you know, I'm not going around asking dumb ass questions about dubstep, which I think sucks.
Q: I like the instrumentals in metal, but not the singing. Why does it always sound like Satan growling?
A: That's like saying, "I'm into chicks, but I don't like vagina". Well, stop listening to brokencyde then.
Q: What was the first heavy metal band?
A: The Bee Gees.
Q: Yeah that metal stuff is cool and all, but shouldn't you be grown out of it by now?
A: You're the kind of person who should get alcohol poisoning while listening to Kanye West. So have at it.
Q: Metallica or Megadeth?
A: Slayer.
Q: I listened to Black Sabbath, it isn't as heavy as Children of Bodom!
A: Please, take the dicks out of your ears. Iommi can out shred Laiho in his sleep.
Q: What do you think of Asking Alexandria?
A: I don't. I try to shut the existence of that pussy-crap out of my mind.
Q: Best venues for metal?
A: In all honesty, the illegal ones.
Dr. Matt's quick guide to being in a band:
1. Pick up an instrument.
2. Find people to play with. Doesn't matter if everyone sucks.
3. Smoke weed.
4. Drink beer.
5. Jam.
Dr. Matt's quick guide to metal-doucheness.
1. Metalcore for the most part sucks.
2. Children of Bodom sucks.
3. I'm sorry to say it, but not at the same time, if smoking weed as never been part of the music; then it probably sucks.
4. Anything that involves energy drinks and jagermeister is probably pure cheese.
5. If you just listen to metal and not anything else, then you are probably a douchebag.
6. If your band makes points about selling your shitty t-shirts and your myspace page, then your band probably sucks.
7. Selling pre-sale tickets is lame as fuck. Try not to agree with it. If you have to, don't sell any or give them away for free.
8. Keep christianity out of metal. No one cares about your stupid religious beliefs. Spirituality is OK.
9. Beware of greedy, corporate cock-sucking "music industry" people. They don't give a shit about music.
10. Play metal for the love of playing it. Not for girls, not for record labels, no one else but you and your homies.
What all good parents do.
Remember that whole debacle back in the 80's where those two kids killed themselves while listening to Judas Priest? Well, if you're going to do the dirty; here's some tips to do it the right way.
1. Pick a terrible artist to kill yourself to, like Justin Bieber. So when the authorities find your brains splattered around your room, it will look like the Bieber record was the cause of it. Thus, Bieber will get blamed in court, instead of Rob Halford.
2. Go out metal-style, like what Dead of Mayhem did. Tell your friends to take pictures.
3. Have fun in hell surfing a lake of fire, rocking out to Deicide.
Chapter 2. You, Satan, Weed, and Heavy Metal.
It's the magic triad of sorts isn't it? The combination that has been fueling chaos-addicted youngsters for decades. Just look at Electric Wizard, those guys take weed, satan , and metal to another level. Not to mention that they rule. Hard.
Let's be honest, without Weed and the concept of the Devil; heavy metal as we know it wouldn't be the same. It would probably be disco. So with that said, how do YOU fit into all this? It's quite simple really.
1. Get some of the finest purple you can find. Buy it off that guy with the overcoat and beret in the park if you have to.
2. Draw a pentagram on the floor. Put candles next to each tip.
3. Put on "Dopethrone" by Electric Wizard or "Dopesmoker" by Sleep.
4. Conjure up Satan.
5. Light up. Get high with Satan.
6. Have a good time.
Don't touch Danzigs' cake mother fuckers....
I guess any final advice I can give about metal is to not touch Danzigs' cake. Because he will fucking kill you.
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